Servant found himself in prayer once again, he knew that those things which he had seen during his prayer times were more real than the things he witnessed during his daily tread round about Carbon County in the midst of her people and the hustle and bustle. He knew that the man who could know God this way was the man of a quiet heart, a heart that believed, and a heart that didn’t know everything already. ‘Such is the pride of life as Adam and Eve found in the end.’ A little knowledge goes a long way toward the ultimate destruction of the Good of God, and as Paul also said knowledge puffs up. Servant grinned as a chuckle broke free from his heart when with some slight amount of self-forgiveness he remembered his own hearts folly in believing he’d known something when he now knew the truth of that thought; he really didn’t know much of anything at all.
“Father your word says a broken heart and a contrite Spirit ‘you’ will not deny, Aggggh, Agggh, how many times have I come to you in prayer, quoting you this very verse thinking myself to be a humble person, and how – and how – many times have I fooled myself with false piety, beliefs and deception?” “If I asked you to truly humble me, might that humbling kill me? I know that no amount of pride and no amount of self-righteousness has any port, post, or position close to your throne. I know that my own heart deceives me and that you have twice said in your word that we all have gone backward, and that none seek you no not one.” “Father, this is… is… a wonder, a wonder to me because I have sought you with all the intent of my heart, to me this would mean that my every intent is not worth mention before you, which is probably the truth isn’t it?” “Paul said in Acts 17 that you are close, and that if we groped for you, we might, not might, as in might, but as in would, and should find you though you are not far from each one of us. And he said, in ‘You’ we live and move and have our being.
Abba Father, I must be a fool more than any other because I believe, and I know that I don’t know, but I know that when we do know we will do the works of God as Jesus said for us to do.”
Servant became quiet as his mind reeled with the word of God from passage to book, to book to verse, he felt sure he would melt into a puddle of mire as his mind began to overload, and he slipped away from his position of prayer to sleeping as the disciples had in the garden. When he awoke an hour later his thoughts troubled him so that he began to pray again Father, what has happened to me that I cannot come and stay with you for more than a few moments? Is there no healing for my soul that we might have communion all the time? I know that it is what your word teaches, and it is the truth of God that we put on the fullness of your Son in all likeness and his fullness and stature, Lord – what is wrong with us, what is wrong with me? I grope like a blind man in this darkness, I want to walk with you in white, is it my flesh? Is it this broken vessel, is it that I am marred, or filled with refuse and the stuff of earth which cannot enter into your presence?”
You say that everyone who calls on Jesus will be saved! You say that there is no other name given in Heaven or on earth by which we ‘Must’ be saved. You said through Paul that we need to work out our Salvation with fear, and trembling. Father who does that? And how can we ever be so humble to truly tremble? Is it not because you have been quiet for so long, and have you not left us to our own ways in wrath, because we have taken your name in Vain? How many call on you with a broken heart, my mind is broken and shattered my heart trembles like a leaf in the wind when will you come and manifest yourself to me. You said you would do it in Jeremiah, and again in John… Lord I believe, help my unbelief, help my un….
As he was finishing his lamentation the word of his heart stopped and John rested quietly again not knowing, but knowing, knowing he who had begun this work in him would indeed finish what he had started. Servant watched as the world rushed madly by, and knew if nothing else that it didn’t really matter what became of him as long as his soul could find its rest in God and it was not to him to save the world, but to trust he looked again off far off into the hidden realm as his heart heard these words from Acts;
“Now when they heard this, they were pierced to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, “Brethren, what shall we do?” Peter said to them, “Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off, as many as the Lord our God will call to Himself.” And with many other words he solemnly testified and kept on exhorting them, saying, “Be saved from this perverse generation!” So then, those who had received his word were baptized; and that day there were added about three thousand souls. They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone kept feeling a sense of awe; and many wonders and signs were taking place through the apostles. And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.
As the day passed into night Servant stood looking into the wall mirror before him, “Father I look in the mirror and I don’t any longer know who I am” “Son you are looking in the wrong mirror, who you are is not visible there any longer As you must not look at any man in the flesh but in the Spirit only, and if you know them in the Spirit you will never be led astray again.”
Personal note: Tomorrow I head to the City to see my Mom who has had hip surgery last Saturday at 9 pm. It was sweet for me to see her faith as we were in the operating theater alone together for about an hour before they began the surgery.
As she lay there knowing full well what would shortly take place her eyes became fixated on some point just below the ceiling as she held my hand and said “It’s not my time! I am not ready to go yet!” I stood over her and smiled down at her and said, “I know its not your time, I will see you in your room in an hour and a half!”
So its been four days since I have seen her and others of my family have taken turns in visiting.
Wish I could show her the things I have written over the last two years alone, but she is one who has rejected my work, although she likes to listen to me when I get preachy on occasion.